What goes around
comes around
again
and again
and again,
until it beats you
breaks you
empties your heart of any joy
with which to combat it.
It has no mercy,
no compassion
no conscience
relentless in pursuit of your happiness,
your sanity, your soul.
When it kills me,
does it win?
Or with peaceful rest
Am I the winner at last?
Unless, of course, it pursues me
In some eternal purgatory
No hope, no light, no grace, no mercy.
Forever.
~C-Lea
4/24/04
Filed under Writing and Creativity
With the second sleepover complete, I am still unsure of the next step in this process. As I understand it, someone will be calling me with the final results in the next week or so. That works for me! I’ll be happy to put this issue aside for awhile.
The second night was much like the first, except I was introduced to Tyler, my technician for the night. I was pleased to find that he was as pleasant as Randy, and as thorough. The difficulties of last night’s visit had more to do with the CPAP machine, than they did with the care I received. I heard horror stories, of course, but I figured, “How hard could it be?” I’m almost a Master at MRIs, which make most people cringe with fear. A little mask and some air should be a breeze, right? (pun intended).
Well. What do I know? Trying to sleep with a CPAP machine is a tough haul. From the moment the air first blasted into the mask, and I tried valiantly to exhale, I knew I was going to be in for quite a night! Wired from head to toe yet again, I felt as if I couldn’t move around enough to get comfortable. Every time that I moved my head, the mask leaked air. I had no concept of time, but it felt like I struggled with that mask for hours. I’m sure that wasn’t the case!
My mind was definitely playing games with me. I was certain that my nose and face were itching. Just knowing that I couldn’t scratch my face under that mask, made me doubly sure that I needed to do so! This happens to me in MRI machines, too. Being a Gemini, I am often “of two minds” about things; but this situation set up the most bizarre argument with my self.
“My nose is itching. My nose is itching. My nose is itching.” My fingers would start twitching wanting to get to my face.
“No, it’s NOT! No, it’s NOT! No, it’s NOT! ” Taking deep breaths, I tried to ride it out without panic. I tried to concentrate on anything else, so I thought about this post, and how on earth I would be able to describe this to you. The moment passed; but as soon as I settled down, it started up again!
Finally, Tyler noticed my struggle and brought in a different mask. He carefully fitted it for me, and we gave it a try. It didn’t make the mind games about itching any better, but it did allow me to rest enough to get to sleep. Problem solved, I hope!
I’m still waiting to hear about the results, and what the next step will be. In the meantime, I’m extremely grateful for the professional and considerate care I received at the UT Sleep Disorders Center. They made me feel much less nervous about the polysomnograph. As much as I appreciated my time there, I really would rather not have to go back again–unless it is just to say hello and thank you.
~C-Lea
Filed under Health and Wellness
The Sleep Center called me, so I’m going to spend the night with them. I have no idea what this will entail, or even why I have to return. The possibilities are endless, but would include some of the strange things that I do while sleeping. The Creative Mind is a beautiful thing; but it is often restless. My restlessness arrives when I try to sleep, or even while sleeping.
By now, I pretty much know what to expect. I’ll pack my overnight bag, stick in a few snacks and a book, and be on my way. Tonight will be great fun, because this time I’m not holding the sweet Lunesta sample that I had before. My doctor didn’t give me one for tonight, so I guess they want my Insomnia to come out to play. I won’t disappoint them! Last night, I went to sleep around midnight, woke up at 2 am, woke again at 4 am, and woke up for the day at 6 am. That is why the polysomnograph is necessary.
I was hoping to avoid having to go back tonight, because my son is coming for a visit and will arrive about the time I’ll be checking into the Sleep Hotel! Fortunately, he’s staying through the rest of the week, so I’ll only miss one night with him. I pondered backing out, canceling the appointment, and ignoring the lack of sleep. As tempting as that sounds, I have to get this problem settled; and the sleepover is the only way.
With deep sighs and not a few yawns (thanks to last night), I’ll be checking in at 7:45 p.m., as ordered. I’ll let you know how it goes!
Sleep well,
~C-Lea
Filed under Health and Wellness
